Kirk’s Party

The band, called DEA Contraband,
"Country Rock so good, it's probably illegal" starts playing.

Sanderson in his giant sombrero does a John Wayne stance and says "Yo!” Kirk's standing, watching the dancers. His girl has her arms draped around his neck, talking to him. They're close, having fun. Kirk notices one dance couple, dancing way too fast for the beat. He smiles.

KIRK

Uh, oh.

KIRK'S GIRL

What?

KIRK

Big trouble.

He goes over to the couple and taps the guy on the shoulder.
GUY

What, Kirk?

Kirk flashes his wallet open as if it had a badge.
KIRK

Dance police.

GUY

Aw, shit!

KIRK

You two wanna pull it over here?

He motions to a spot by the wall. They follow.
GIRL

We weren't going that fast, officer.

KIRK

Yes, you were, Ma'am. Also, you were off the beat.

The couple look at each other, then Kirk.
KIRK

Listen, you look like a couple of nice kids. I'm gonna let you go with a warning. Keep it down. Keep it on the beat. Understand?

They nod. Kirk nods. Kirk walks away. SONG ENDS. More partying, drinking, mixing, laughing. Time passes. The phone near Ted suddenly rings. Ted looks around, but Kirk's too far away. Ted answers. Several people turn, see Ted answer.
TED

Hello. Mulvaney residence.

VOICE (Off screen.)

I'm tired of warning you kids about the noise every goddamned Friday night, every goddamned week, every goddamned semester. Now you turn that goddamn stereo down this goddamn minute or I'm calling the goddamn cops!

TED(sincerely)

Thanks for sharing.

Voice slams down the phone with a hard click. Ted replaces the receiver very gingerly as if it's hot. Others are watching and gathered around, partying. Kirk is drunk, his arm over Ted's shoulder.
KIRK

Hey, Ted, who was that?

TED (Drunk, he puts his arm over Kirk's shoulder.)

I don't know, Kirk. Bad connection. And most of it was in Japanese with a little broken English in between.

KIRK

What?

TED

Yeah. He said he was calling from Tokyo.

KIRK

Tokyo?

All laugh.
TED

Yeah. He asked if you'd mind turning the band speakers just a little bit more north-northwest. Seems he had trouble making out a few of the words in that last song.

KIRK

Yeah, well, I figure that, except for the trade imbalance, we don't owe the Japanese anything! (Looks around, drunk, and quietly, earnestly) Are you with me on this one, gang?

ALL

Yeah. Not anything. Nothing. We're with ya, Kirk!

SINGLE VOICE

Nothing! Remember the Alamo!

KIRK

Remember the Alamo? Who said "Remember the Alamo"? That you, Sanderson?

Sanderson raises arm, waves like John Wayne, still drunk.
SANDERSON

Yo!

INT. KIRK’S PLACE - DANCE FLOOR - MOMENTS LATER

Band plays Jennings’ “Old King Kong”. Each boy dances like a "gorilla", huffing and beating his chest, slapping his head from back to front, scratching his side. Each girl dances as if she's terrified, shying away in mock terror from her gorilla partner.

There's a pounding on the front door. Ted and Andria see it all through the house from the back patio. Kirk opens the door. It's two city POLICE.

COP

You Mister Kirk Mulvaney, 2621 Carter Drive?

KIRK (slurring)

Pretty close.

COP

We've got a noise complaint, here.

KIRK

Huh? (To crowd) Hey, hold it down will you? It's the police.

STUDENT staggers up.
STUDENT

The Police! Really!? I have all your old albums.

Band slowly stops except for sax player, Antoine, off into Jazz, into his own world. Crowd falls silent.
KIRK

Hey, Antoine! (Sax player stops). Sorry, ossifer. Antoine's a registered sax offender.

COP

Look, you're going to have to break this up. (He looks at his watch) It's 3:15 in the morning. We heard this party at last a block away.

KIRK

That far? (Turns to other students gathered behind him and says): Well, damn me to junior high! Did you all know that?

ALL

No, Kirk. No way. Who could tell? No. No.

KIRK (to cops)

And how did you like it? (Cop looks annoyed) No? Didn't like it? Prefer something more like ancient Barry Manilow or ..? Okay, we could play old Manilow, low. Or put on my famous Marcel Marceau albums?

COP

Look, we could pull a few of you students in, just for an example. Maybe, the "disorderly" citation won't stick, but you'll spend a few hours filling out forms and it's a $50 fine. You want that?

KIRK (To others)

You want that?

Students all exchange comments.
ALL

You want that? No, I don't want that, do you want that? No, I don't want that, do you? Of course not. Do I look like I'd want something like that? No, you don't; you don't look like that's the type of thing you would want.

COP

Look. We're losing patience and you're running out of time.

COP

Now, I want you all to disband and leave in an orderly manner. We're not kidding; we'll pull you in. And you first. (points to Kirk).

KIRK

Ossifer, you're making perfect sense. Isn't he? (Others nod). (To others—) Quiet. (Hand motions others to silence. They know his signal). We'll have to disband. It will be orderly. You will disband orderleeler in an orderleeler fashion.

The students are watching him expectantly, waiting for his signal.
KIRK (CONT’D)

There are a lot of people here, maybe two hunner, maybe...maybe more. Maybe more than... hunnerd. No tellin' how many (shakes head). It would be dangerous to leave in a disorderleeler fashion, or in any disorderlyment. Therefore I urge you, though the police are here, though you face the threat of arrest, though your parents will be disgraced, disband orderly. Above all, don't panic. Keep a cool head.

VOICE (screams)

Did he say "panic"?!

OTHERS (mixed)

Panic? No! No, don't panic! Keep a cool head! Don't panic!

Students go crazy, arms flailing. They are running back and forth into each other, against walls, falling over sofas, as if "panicking." Wild yelling.